this is so overwhelming. we went to meet my fathers/my lawyer today and then spent the day trying to go through the insane amount of paperwork at my parents house. yeesh we feel as though we've run a marathon.
i just want my parents back.
signs, symbols and what-not April 27, 2007
this is a list of interesting, weird, odd, cool things that have happened since my parents have died. i'm not asking for you to believe or not believe. this is list is for me…
my mom kept seeing cats that weren't there before she died.
i keep seeing cats out of the corner of my eye, but when i turn to look at it, there's nothing there.
i've been seeing ravens and crows since my mom went in the hospital… everywhere.
i've been seeing an unusual amount of birds flying above me including turkey vultures and hawks. this has been going on for a while now. even ash has to been around to witness that.
the day my mom died i saw an unusual amount of birds that seemed as though they were following me.
when ash and i went over to my parents house the first time after my dad died, the clocks were all fine when we got there, but before we left, we realized they were all blinking, but the lights never flickered.
i've caught animals and children staring at me like they knew a secret.
the day my mom died, every child that came near me flocked to me. one child drew a flower on an etch-a-sketch type thingy, showed it to me saying “i drew this flower for you, it's purple!” his mom was shocked and said he'd never done anything like that before (although he did like talking to new people).
two days after my dad died ash and i were in the starbucks drive-thru when two flower petals landed on me, but there weren't any trees around, they just kind of appeared there when i turned to look back out the window.
this morning one week after my father passes, when i woke, i saw my dads lawyer's number. i assumed he called, but he said he didn't. the time was 9:23. it's in my history that i called him. i couldn't have. i was out cold, asleep. it seems that's about the time when he would have passed.
my aunt saw my mom in the mirror the day i found my dad.
the day my mom died was beautiful.
i'll post more as i think of them.
found an old e-mail from dad… April 27, 2007
Re: Hi – Let me know what you think.
Hi Dawn,
I mark so many papers. You write very well indeed! This shows a lot
of care, is well organized, and the language is precise. It also shows
that you worked and reworked this, as you do your visual art projects. I'm
proud of you, as always.
Love,
Dad
———————————————-
mornings are rough. i have to go through realizing they're both gone all over again and i cry. then i kind of straighten up and try to get through the day. i was fine for most of the day until my parents neighbors young child was convinced my mom was still alive today because he saw me.
dad's funeral April 25, 2007
what a long and weird day. i woke up around 7:30 made coffee and bagels for me and ram and waited to see if we'd have to get anjuli. we didn't. ash got to my house around 9:30 and off we went. we arrived to goldsteins about 10 minutes later. they were really good about acknowledging us immediately. we went into an office and dealt with unfinished business (death certificate and such) and then i was taken into a room to see my dad. he had makeup caked onto his face and he looked plastic, it was a weird sight to see. we then followed the hearse to the grave site and began the service about 10 minutes after getting there. there were about 20 people there. amy, hollace, patrick, rich and kate all came, whichc i thought was pretty great of them. les, marc glass, janice, dick atkins and donna all spoke and talked of their memories of my father and mother.
we then proceeded to les's house, but not many went. it was les, ashley, marc, donna, ram and me. which i felt badly about because les got enough food for 20 people. of course he was very nice about it and said that he preferred it that way, that it was more intimate, which is true. ram, ash and i stayed there until about 7:30 and now we are at ash's house.
today felt like 5 days. the past 3 months has felt like two years.
everything feels so surreal. is it really possible that i have now lost both of my parents. i just don't get it. i'm having a hard time focusing. a hard time processing what's being said to me. it's a struggle to have whole conversations with people. i think i'm only hearing half of what's being said to me.
to think about all that needs to be done is so overwhelming. to think about getting a lawyer and an accountant and a realtor and packing up my parents things and everything else. i know i have people to help me and know who i have to call and what to do, but it just doesn't make it any easier.
i'm here April 22, 2007
i'm numb and i'm overwhelmed but atleast i am surrounded by people who love me (and that includes you guys).
there weren't any empty pill bottles around him and his friend who is a doctor said he didn't have any medication that he could have od'd on (that he knew of anyway) and there was a startled look on his face as though he happened suddenly so i think he just gave up and succumbed to his grief and perhaps had a heart attack. we won't know the cause of death for a couple of weeks.
209784 April 21, 2007
ashley and i found my dad today. he passed away sometime in the past couple of days. the coroner will let me know the cause of death in a couple of days.
dreams April 17, 2007
atlanta was really close to wherever i was. i was trying to leave my car with a parking business but there wasn't a lot. it was owned by two really cool lesbian women. i asked how late they were open and then we started talking about how they were going to get my car to me. i said that it worked out really well the last time but they didn't seem to remember (i even had flashback memories of the last time. going to atlanta, driving home and getting my car.). suddenly there was a large group of us hanging out. i remember bitching about some inept doctors and politics. we were all talking and it sounded like a big party and we were laughing.
i was at work but it slowly transformed into a party. i was sitting in a room with a bunch of young girls watching tv. i heard my phone ring and jumped up to get it because i thought it might be ram but it was my friend christen (from atlanta who i'm not really friends with anymore), she was crying but she'd forgotten se had called me and was talking to someone else so i kept yelling her name to get her attention. i was all freaked out and afraid she was going to tell me that her father had died but once i got her attention i realized that she was upset and crying because some celebrity had died. i told her annoyedly that my mom died and i got off the phone gruffly.
209298 April 17, 2007
i went to suburban woods today to pick up my moms wheelchair. while i was there i saw virginia and i gave her one of the necklaces mom made. she asked for one and i knew mom would want her to have it. she just beams when she sees me. she fell in love me because she fell in love with my mom, just like everyone else there did. the administrator came up to me and said “i've never said this about any of our patients before, but your mom was wonderful and we all miss her. she was a delight to be around and you should know that.” of course i started crying. my mom loved her night nurse cathy. she kept asking me to get the turquoise necklace that she made out of her bathroom to give to her, but i could never find it. i finally did and i gave it to her today. she loved it.
i still need to go back to my parents house to get my mothers things that i want before my dad has someone come and take it all away. gah.
i feel broken.
i had a migraine all day. it finally went away (except for the migraine hangover) and i'm going to end up with one all over again because i can't stop crying.
