surprisingly, between hospice and moms insurance agent, i think everything will be okay!
i got in a big fight with my dad last night (details later) and had a very hard time getting to sleep. yay 4 hours of restless sleep. now i get to go wait on people. fun fun fun.
p.s. dad did apologized, but he's still driving me nuts!
honestly. who do i have to speak to, to make this shit stop. my ceiling almost fell in the other night because the drain on my roof was clogged. they're coming tomorrow to paint my ceiling because the corner is this nice rusty brown. at about 3 am sunday morning, i had to pull my bedroom apart so that if it did fall in, nothing would be ruined.
i just found out tonight from the skilled nursing facility where my mom is that her insurance just informed them that they will only pay for hospice care in the home. WTF. so i had to begin the paper work for assistance (medicaid) for her, because we don't have any other options. she can't go home. i'm going to have spend all of tomorrow before going to work on the phone with all of these idiots so i can figure out what the fuck is going on. all i want to do is enjoy the little remaining time with my mom that i can. i fucking hate the us health care system.
at least i have phone now.
my life feels so surreal these days. it's impossible to see anything beyond minutes and moments. too painful. anytime i look beyond now, all i can see is that my mom won't be by my side to experience my life with me. no matter how much i have bitched and moaned about my mom, i can honestly say she's been one of my best friends. she's the one person i've always been able to tell anything and everything to. we've yelled and cried and laughed. i'm not ready for it to end. but it will. i've been lucky. i've had a mom who always told me how much she loved me. she's always touched and hugged and cuddled. i'm grateful that i can be there for her now and let her know how much it's all meant to me. she whispers in my ear what a good daughter i am and what good care i am taking of her. she tells all of the nurses who stop long enough to listen what a good person i am and how i have been taking such good care of her. she kissed ram on the cheek as we were leaving the other night. it fills my heart to know how much she likes him and that they've had this chance to get to know each other.
a couple of days ago, i signed all of the paper work to get my mom started on hospice. it turns out that the facility where my mom is doesn't have a contract with the hospice organization i was put into contact with. it's just a series of simple misunderstandings but it's so frustrating. the hospice organization is doing everything they can, they have been so nice. i really want to work with them, but we decided that if they still haven't heard anything by tomorrow, i will have to go with someone who is already affiliated with the facility.
meanwhile, my hope is to get her into a hospice facility down the street from me so i can be with her as much as possible.
argh.
someone stole my phone and my mothers phone out of her room tonight while i was filling out the paper work to start her on hospice. it has all of my phone numbers!! not only my personal ones but all of the ones for all of the people i need to keep in touch with regarding my mom.
it takes a special kind of lowlife to steal a phone from a dying woman in a place like that.
and what burns is, the only people it could've been was my moms roommates visitors.
fuckers.
meh.
i'm better some days than others. today's not been one of the better ones. we moved her to a new facility and it was a very difficult transition to say the least. the poor nurses aid got the worst of it from too and we spent the first hour my mom was there smoothing everything over. we both apologized but i felt bad about starting off on the wrong foot. at least they know i mean business though.
| You Are A Poplar Tree |
 People tend to look up to you, and it's a bit lonely at the top. Inside, you are not always self confident, but you show great courage. Mature and organized, you are reliable in any situation. You tend to have an artistic or philosophical outlook on life. You are very choosy in love and take partnership seriously. |
seriously, this is the most exhausted i've ever felt. even more than when i went backpacking and we were hiking 12 hours a day with 50 lb packs on our backs.
