Dear Abby… March 28, 2006

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time “working girl” in a brothel.
Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's
where I need your advice.

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Ted LaRose

cars – meh! March 28, 2006

it's costing $1745.68 to fix my car enough to pass PA inspection.

edit: it's not the emissions that's screwing me with this car, it's the inspection, rear knuckles, front suspension, rear wheel cylinders, brake pads, brake drums and an oil change. OVERHAUL!!

would you rather… March 27, 2006

ganked from <lj user="elfies"> March 27, 2006

Can you read this?

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny
iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was
ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.

ganked from <lj user="wikkidraven"> March 27, 2006

50 things…feel free to repost

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
no

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
sometimes. not out of fear but for the sensation

3. How often do you drink?
i have a glass of wine or a beer about once every 3-6 months

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
with

5. Do you believe in Ghosts?
yes

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
yes

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
yes. now ask me if i care.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
angelina jolie

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?
yes, although i haven't been paying as much attention as i normally do lately

10. Do you know how to play poker?
kind of, it's been a while. it was never really my game

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
yes

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
no, i take them outside

13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
no

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night and no one's around, do you go through red lights?
depends on where it is and how often i see cops there

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
of course

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
neither

17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
yes

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
often

19. When was the last time u laughed so hard you were crying?
about 7 months ago

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Who can't?

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
not love, lust

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
it's a howard stern thing

24. Do you always wear your seatbelt?
i always wear a seatbelt.

25. What talent do you wish you had?
i wish my drawing skills were better

26. Do you like Sushi?
love it

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
a few actually

28. What do you wear to bed?
pj's or a t-shirt

30. Does size matter?
i'll never tell.

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
no. but there are people i dislike a whole lot

32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
i just like *good* music.

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
angelina jolie or johnny depp

34. Do you have a relative in prison?
yes

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
no

36. Do you know how to play chess?
kind of

37. What food do you find disgusting?
brains or tongue, specific body parts of an animal are particularly disgusting

38. Did you ever play, 'I'll show you mine, you show me yours?'
i still play that.

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
i try to only do that to peoples faces

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
yes

41. Have you ever been punched in the face?
yes

42. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
it's been too many years to remember how many years it's been

43. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
i walked out on hudson hawk

44. Do you ever sit through a bad movie to see how bad it can get?
just the ohter night i watched intolerable cruelty

45. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything?
wanting a laptop

46. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
no

47. Have you ever been stood up?
no

48. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
in my car about two years ago

49. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, just to fit in?
not really, i hated my highschool and never really cared if i fit in or not

50. Do you consider yourself 'the biggest fan' of something?
erm… art

author unkown… March 26, 2006

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled “Join the crew!”

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates (It's true–I read it all last week in a mass email from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the email to everyone I know).

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidney, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said “Welcome to the world of AIDS.”

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital–the very one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!)

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

check it out… March 22, 2006

http://dawnselene.deviantart.com/

151699 March 22, 2006

alright then. how about this??

todays poll… March 20, 2006

i never would have thought it, but… March 19, 2006

i'm actually getting along really well with karen now. she saved my arss one night and we've been getting along really well since. we can actually joke around now. it's nice. and it makes work so much better.