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Taurus 2005 Horoscope |
 After months of what feels like treading water, Taurus, you'll be able to make some very definite changes this year — but you may need to use that world-famous patience of yours for a few months. Winter will be full of interesting changes, especially after January 10th. If you're due to make a career change, wait until then. The best part is that once you set your determined little mind to something, there's just no way you won't have it. So when you decide who and what you want, you have only to focus your considerable energies on it, and you can rest assured that you'll reach all those goals — and more. Spring will be fun and sociable, and your worst problem may be deciding which wonderful offer to accept, and which to reject. A relationship could change quite suddenly at the end of April, thanks to the lunar eclipse of the 24th. This bright event will spark up your relationship axis, asking that you turn your attention to one-to-one encounters. But it's summer that will bring you the most exciting changes. Right up until the very end of July, fiery Mars will keep things passionate, but urge you to keep quiet, too. Once August arrives, however, Mars will take all that passion and aggression into your own sign, turning up the volume on your level of assertion. That means this summer definitely won't go by without you making a stand — a serious stand — on behalf of someone or something that you want. Come fall, you'll make some changes, and they'll all be positive. If they don't feel that way at the time, think about this: There's a silver thread that connects everything that's every happened to us to where we are right now. If you're happy with yourself, you should be grateful for every little thing that's come your way — whether you thought of it as positive or negative at the time. If there are things you want to change, make new choices and get your new show on the road. 'Tis the season for new beginnings, after all! What are the secrets of your personality? Discover yourself — and make the most of your year — with a free Personal Profile Reading! Content provided by Astrology.com © Astrology.com 1996 – 2005 |
Stolen from <lj user="eight_thirteen"> December 29, 2004
Court: It's OK To Fire Woman Who Wouldn't Wear Makeup December 29, 2004
I find this appalling!
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) — A female bartender who refused to wear makeup at a Reno casino was not unfairly dismissed from her job, a U.S. federal appeals court ruled Tuesday.
Darlene Jespersen, who had worked for nearly 20 years at a Harrah's Entertainment (HET) casino bar in Reno, objected to the company's revised policy that required female bartenders, but not male ones, to wear makeup.
A previously much-praised employee, Jespersen was fired in 2000 after the firm instituted a “Beverage Department Image Transformation” program and she sued, alleging sex discrimination.
In a 2-1 decision, a three-judge panel of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a lower court ruling in favor of Harrah's. All three judges are men appointed by Democratic presidents.
“We have previously held that grooming and appearance standards that apply differently to women and men do not constitute discrimination on the basis of sex,” Judge Wallace Tashima wrote for the majority.
He cited the precedent of a 1974 case in which the court ruled that a company can require men to have short hair but allow long hair on women.
The Lambda Legal Defense Fund, a gay rights group that backed Jespersen's suit, had argued that forcing female employees to have different standards than men was unlawful under rules, known as Title VII, against discrimination on race, color, religion, sex or national origin.
The ruling found, however, that the casino's appearance standards were no more burdensome for women than for men.
In a dissenting opinion, Judge Sidney Thomas backed the reasoning of the plaintiff. “Harrah's fired Jespersen because of her failure to confirm to sex stereotypes, which is discrimination based on sex and is therefore impermissible under Title VII,” he wrote.
“The distinction created by the majority opinion leaves men and women in services industries, who are more likely to be subject to policies like the Harrah's 'Personal Best' policy, without the protection that white-collar professionals receive,” he wrote.
No Thanks for the Memories – Dispatches from a year that was lower than a snake December 29, 2004
washingtonpost.com
No Thanks for the Memories
Dispatches from a year that was lower than a snake
By Dave Barry
Sunday, December 26, 2004; Page W14
LOOKING BACK ON 2004, we have to conclude that it could have been worse.
“How??” you ask, spitting out your coffee.
Well, okay, a giant asteroid could have smashed into the Earth and destroyed all human life except Paris Hilton and William Hung. Or Florida could have been hit by 20 hurricanes, instead of just 17.
Or the Yankees could have won the World Series.
But, no question, 2004 was bad. Consider:
– We somehow managed to hold a presidential election campaign that for several months was devoted almost entirely to the burning issue of: Vietnam.
– Our Iraq policy, which was discussed, debated and agreed upon right up to the very highest levels of the White House, did not always seem to be wildly popular over there in Iraq.
– Osama bin Laden remained at large for yet another year (although we did manage, at long last, to put Martha Stewart behind bars).
– The federal budget deficit continued to worsen, despite the concerted effort of virtually every elected official in Washington — Republican or Democrat — to spend more money.
– As a nation, we managed somehow to get even fatter, despite the fact that anti-carbohydrate mania worsened to the point where the average American would rather shoot heroin than eat a bagel.
– The “reality”-show cancer continued to metastasize, so that you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing either Donald Trump or a cavalcade of dimwits emoting dramatically about eating bugs, losing weight, marrying a millionaire or remodeling a bathroom.
– Perhaps most alarming of all, Cher yet again extended her “farewell” tour, which began during the Carter administration and is now expected to continue until the sun goes out.
So, all things considered, we’re happy to be entering a new year, which, according to our calculations, will be 2005 (although the exit polls are predicting it will be 1997). But before we move on, let’s swallow our anti-nausea medication and take one last look back at 2004, which began, as so many years seem to, with . . .
JANUARY
. . . a month that opens with all the magic, excitement and glamour conjured up by the words “Iowa caucuses.” All the political experts — having gauged the mood of the state by dining with each other at essentially three Des Moines restaurants — agree that the Democratic nomination has already been locked up by feisty yet irritable genius former Vermont governor Howard Dean, thanks to his two unbeatable weapons: (a) the Internet and (b) college students wearing orange hats.
But it turns out that the Iowa voters, many of whom apparently do not eat at the right restaurants, are out of the loop regarding the Dean strategic brilliance. Instead they vote for John “I Served In Vietnam” Kerry, who served in Vietnam and also has many policies, although nobody, including him, seems to know for sure what they are. Dean, reacting to his Iowa loss, gives an emotional concession speech that ends with him making a sound like a hog being castrated with a fondue fork. Incredibly, this fails to improve his poll standings.
Meanwhile, the Bush administration, increasingly disturbed by the bad news from Iraq, cancels the White House’s lone remaining newspaper subscription (Baseball Weekly).
But the news is much better from Mars, where yet another spunky l’il NASA robot vehicle lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky l’il NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a lot of rocks in it. In other outer-space news, Michael Jackson, clearly concerned about his upcoming trial on charges of child molestation, dances on the roof of an SUV.
In lifestyle news, the hot trend is “metrosexuals” — young males who are not gay but are seriously into grooming and dressing well. There are only eight documented cases of males like this, all living in two Manhattan blocks, but they are featured in an estimated 17,000 newspaper and magazine articles over the course of about a week, after which this trend, like a minor character vaporized by aliens in a “Star Trek” episode, disappears and is never heard from again.
In sports, Pete Rose publishes a book in which he at last confesses to an allegation that dogged him throughout his baseball career: He’s a jerk.
Speaking of shocking revelations, in . . .
FEBRUARY
. . . the nation — already troubled by bad news from Iraq, coupled with a resurgence in terrorism and a slow economic recovery — is traumatized by something that leaves a deep and lasting scar on the fragile national psyche: Janet Jackson’s right nipple, which is revealed for a full three ten-thousandths of a second during the Super Bowl halftime show. This event is so traumatic that the two teams are unable to complete the game, with many players simply lying on the field in the fetal position, whimpering.
It is a moment reminiscent of the JFK assassination, in that virtually all Americans can remember exactly where they were when it happened.
“I was on the sofa,” they say. Or, “I was in the bathroom and missed the traumatic moment, but fortunately we have TiVo.” As the nation reels in shock, the networks ban all programs that feature any kind of nudity, including unclothed fish. Congress also swiftly swings into action: Democrats blame the Bush administration, noting that the nipple was revealed on Bush’s watch; while Republicans point out that, during all eight years of the Clinton administration, Janet Jackson clearly possessed nipples, and Bill Clinton was almost certainly aware of this.
Bush himself suggests the possibility that the nipples could have originated in Iraq. John Kerry notes that there were nipples in Vietnam.
Elsewhere in politics, feisty Internet genius Howard Dean drops out of the Democratic race after losing 17 consecutive primaries, despite leading in every single exit poll. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader announces that he will again run for president, a decision that is hailed unanimously by Nader’s support base, which consists of Ralph and his imaginary friend, Wendell, the talking space turtle.
In entertainment news, the feel-good hit of the winter is Mel Gibson’s wacky film romp “The Passion of the Christ,” although critics of product placement object to the scene where Pontius Pilate can be seen holding a Diet Sprite.
On the cultural front, the mayor of San Francisco attempts to legalize same-sex marriage, which outrages those who believe that marriage is a sacred institution that should be entered into only by heterosexual people, such as Britney Spears and Mike Tyson.
Speaking of fighters, in . . .
MARCH
. . . John Kerry sews up the Democratic nomination with primary victories in California, Florida, Illinois, Canada, France, Germany and Sweden. Kerry’s closest rival, John Edwards, drops out of the race, but Dennis Kucinich stays in, saying that he intends to keep his idealistic grass-roots campaign going until either all U.S. troops leave Iraq, or Dennis finds a girlfriend.
In other political news, Russian president and former KGB agent Vladimir Putin easily wins reelection and, in a gesture of reconciliation, orders his opponents released from his limo trunk.
There is finally some positive news from Iraq, where negotiators reach agreement on an interim constitution, which guarantees that, for the first time ever, Iraq will be governed by a duly elected council of nervous men in armored cars going 80 mph.
In domestic news, U.S. gasoline prices reach record levels when, in what economists describe as a freak coincidence, two drivers attempt to refuel their Humvees on the same day.
On the legal front, a federal jury convicts Martha Stewart on four counts of needing to be taken down a peg. In what many experts call an unduly harsh punishment, a federal judge sentences Stewart to be the topic of 17 consecutive weeks of Jay Leno jokes.
Speaking of punishments, in . . .
APRIL
. . . the Federal Communications Commission levies a $495,000 fine against Clear Channel Communications for a 2003 incident in which Howard Stern, on his nationally broadcast radio show, exposed his right nipple.
But the big entertainment news comes at the end of the two-hour season finale of the megahit reality show “The Apprentice,” when Donald Trump, in the most-anticipated event of the year — and quite possibly all of human history — fires that one guy, whatshisname, and keeps that other guy. You remember. It was huge.
Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led coalition effort in Iraq, Spain withdraws its troop, Sgt. Juan Hernandez. As violence in Iraq escalates, critics of the Bush administration charge that there are not enough U.S. troops over there. Administration officials heatedly deny this, arguing that the real problem is that there are too many Iraqis over there. In the words of one high-level official (who is not identified in press reports because of the difficulties involved in spelling “Condoleezza”), the administration “may have to relocate the Iraqis to a safer area, such as Ecuador.” John Kerry calls this “a ridiculous idea,” adding, “I wholeheartedly endorse it.”
In economic news, the price of a gallon of gasoline at the pump reaches $236.97, prompting widespread concern that there is something wrong with this particular pump.
Congress vows to hold hearings.
Speaking of things gone wrong, in . . .
MAY
. . . world outrage grows in reaction to photos taken inside Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib prison, showing U.S. soldiers repeatedly forcing prisoners to look at the video of Janet Jackson’s right nipple. As human rights organizations voice outrage, President Bush vows to “punish whoever is responsible for this, no matter who it is, unless, of course, it is Donald Rumsfeld.” Congress vows to hear holdings.
The nation’s mood does not improve when the Department of Making Everybody in the Homeland Nervous raises the Official National Terror Index Level to “Stark,” based on having received credible information indicating that al Qaeda terrorist cells are “probably up to something” and “could be in your attic right now.”
John Kerry, looking to improve his image with red state voters, shoots a duck.
On the health front, medical researchers announce that if you feed one aspirin per day to laboratory rats, eventually you are going to get bitten.
In sports, popular spunky horse Smarty Jones wins the Kentucky Derby, confounding exit pollsters who had unanimously picked Seabiscuit. Congress vows to call its bookie.
The big entertainment news in May is the much-anticipated final episode of “Friends,” in which Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe suddenly realize that they are, like, 53 years old.
Speaking of final episodes, in . . .
JUNE
. . . former president Ronald Reagan dies and embarks on a weeklong national tour. Also hitting the road for the last time is Ray Charles.
Another former president, Bill Clinton, travels around the nation bringing comfort to large crowds of Americans who injured themselves attempting to lift Clinton’s 1,000-page memoir, titled Some Day I Might Read This Myself.
The news from Iraq continues to worsen as the interim governing council, in a move that alarms the Bush administration, chooses, by unanimous vote, its new acting president: Al Gore. He immediately demands a recount.
In a related development, CIA Director George Tenet — the man who told President Bush that the case for proving there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was a “slam dunk” — resigns to accept a job advising the New York Yankees.
President Bush meets with the pope and, in impromptu remarks afterward, describes him as “a great American.” John Kerry, campaigning in Michigan, strangles a deer.
On the economic front, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that the U.S. economy has generated 250,000 new jobs. The bad news is that 80 percent of these openings are for legal experts needed by cable television to speculate pointlessly 24/7 about Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson. Speaking of job seekers, in . . .
JULY
. . . John Kerry is formally nominated at the Democratic convention in Boston and in his acceptance speech tells the wildly cheering delegates that, if he is elected president, his highest priority will be “to develop facial expressions.”
Also well-received at the convention is Kerry’s wife, Teresa Heinz-Ketchup Kerry, who gives a moving account of being an immigrant in America with little more than hopes, dreams, a personal staff, a large fortune and a Gulfstream jet. Vice presidential nominee John Edwards also makes a well-received speech, after which he is never heard from again.
In Washington, President Bush, reacting to news of a projected sharp increase in the federal budget deficit, vows to find out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, or what.
On the terrorism front, the federal commission charged with investigating the September 11 attacks, having spent more than a year questioning hundreds of witnesses and reviewing thousands of pages of classified documents, concludes that the attacks were “very bad” and “better not happen again.” Congress vows to hold hearings.
Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led effort in Iraq, Uruguay announces that it intends to pull its troops out of the coalition. Informed that it has no troops in the coalition, Uruguay asks if it can borrow some.
In Baghdad, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein appears in a courtroom to hear the charges against him, which include torture, murder, genocide and more than 175,000 zoning violations. Hussein declares that he is innocent and offers to take a urine test. The judge rules that further proceedings will be postponed “until the Scott Peterson trial is over.”
The big movie hit of the summer is “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a shocking documentary that shows how Bush administration policies were directly responsible for making director Michael Moore more than $100,000,000.
In sports, Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour de France, overcoming the hardship of having to pedal hundreds of kilometers with hostile French people clinging to his legs.
Speaking of sporting triumphs, in . . .
AUGUST
. . . Greece hosts a highly successful Olympics, with the United States winning all the gold medals, at least the ones shown on TV. Fears of terrorist attacks prove unjustified, most likely because the terrorists, like everybody else, are watching women’s beach volleyball. The only major controversy involves the men’s gymnastics gold medal, which is won by American Paul Hamm, despite exit polls showing it should have gone to a South Korean.
On the political front, the Republicans gather for their national convention in New York City, which welcomes them with open armpits. But the hot political story is the allegation by a group of Swift Boat veterans that John Kerry exaggerated his Vietnam accomplishments, and that, in fact, his boat was “not particularly swift.” This story produces a media frenzy of charges and countercharges that soon has the entire nation riveted to reruns of “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
In other political news, New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey resigns after confirming persistent rumors that he has nipples.
In weather news, an unprecedented series of hurricanes — Arnie, Barb, Chuck, Deb, Ernie, Francine, Gus and Harlotta — all head directly for Florida, causing millions of Sunshine State residents, by long-standing tradition, to throng to home-supply stores in an effort to purchase the two available pieces of plywood. Damage is extensive, although experts say it would have been much worse if not for a dense protective barrier of TV news people standing on the beaches and excitedly informing the viewing audience that the wind is blowing.
In other bad news, the Department of Homeland Fear, acting on credible information, raises the National Terror Index Level to “EEEEEEEE,” which is a level so high that only dogs can detect it.
Speaking of alarming, in . . .
SEPTEMBER
. . . Florida’s weather woes worsen as the Sunshine State is battered on consecutive days by hurricanes Irving, Jonetta, Karl, Louanne, Myron, Naomi, Orville, Peg, Quentin and Regina. When it is finally all over, many Florida residents are completely hairless, and shards of Walt Disney World are coming down as far away as Montana. The federal government, reacting quickly, sends a third sheet of plywood to Florida and promises that a fourth will be on the way “soon.”
In politics, the month begins with the Republican Convention and Mass Arrest still going on in New York City. The GOP delegates, confounding exit pollsters, nominate George W. Bush, who promises that, if reelected, he will “continue doing whatever it says here on the teleprompter.”
With more bad news coming from Iraq, and Americans citing terrorism and health care as their major concerns, the news media continue their laser-beam focus on the early 1970s. Dan Rather leads the charge with a report on CBS’s “60 Minutes,” citing a memo, allegedly written in 1972, suggesting that Bush shirked his National Guard duty. Critics charge that the memo is a fake, pointing out that at one point it specifically mentions the 2003 Outkast hit “Hey Ya.” Rather refuses to back down, arguing that the reference could be to “an early version of the song.”
Just when the public is about to abandon hope in the presidential election, the candidates get together for an actual debate at the University of Miami Convocation Center, which is the only building left standing in Florida. In summary:
Bush states that being president is really, really hard for him, anyway. Kerry states that he is really, really smart and has, like, 185 specific plans. It is agreed there will be two more debates, although nobody can explain why.
In aviation news, US Airways files for bankruptcy for a second time, only to have a federal judge rule that the airline can’t possibly get any more bankrupt than it already is. Meanwhile, the Transportation Security Administration, acting on credible information, announces that it will be requiring additional airport screening for commercial airline passengers who are “wearing clothes.”
On the legal front, a judge drops rape charges against Kobe Bryant on the grounds that “the Scott Peterson trial is hogging all the cable TV celebrity legal analysts.”
In medical news, the popular anti-arthritis drug Vioxx is pulled from the market after clinical trials show that it may contain carbohydrates. On a more positive note, former president Bill Clinton experiences chest pains and is rushed to New York-Presbyterian Hospital, where, in a five-hour operation, surgeons successfully remove a glazed doughnut the size of a catcher’s mitt.
Speaking of the national pastime, in . . .
OCTOBER
. . . the Boston Red Sox, ending an 86-year drought, defeat the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series, defying exit polls that had overwhelmingly picked the Green Bay Packers. The Red Sox get into the Series thanks to the fact that the New York Yankees — who were leading the American League championships three games to none and have all-stars at every position, not to mention a payroll larger than the gross national product of Sweden — choose that particular time to execute the most spectacular choke in all of sports history, an unbelievable Gag-o-Rama, a noxious nosedive, a pathetic gut-check failure of such epic dimensions that every thinking human outside of the New York metropolitan area experiences a near-orgasmic level of happiness. But there is no need to rub it in.
In entertainment news, Howard Stern signs a $500 million deal to move his show to satellite radio, where a man can still display a nipple.
On the health front, the big story is a nationwide shortage of flu vaccine, caused by the fact that apparently all the flu vaccine in the world is manufactured by some guy with a Bunsen burner in Wales or someplace. Congress, acting with unusual swiftness, calls on young, healthy Americans to forgo getting flu shots this year so that more vaccine will be available for members of Congress. President Bush notes that additional vaccine “could be hidden somewhere in Iraq.”
John Kerry, campaigning in North Carolina, kills a raccoon with a hatchet.
In aviation news, SpaceShipOne, the first privately funded manned rocket, breaks free from its mother plane, soars 62 miles above the earth, swoops gracefully back to Earth, rolls to a stop on the Mojave Desert and files for bankruptcy.
Abroad, Yasser Arafat collapses and is taken to a hospital, where his condition rapidly worsens and continues to worsen until nobody thinks it can get any worse, but somehow it does. “It’s really bad,” says a hospital spokesperson. “We’ve never seen anybody achieve this degree of worsening without kicking the actual bucket.”
Osama bin Laden, who has not been seen or heard from in quite a while, releases a video in which he states that he is “willing to listen to offers from satellite radio.”
In other international news, Afghanistan’s historic first democratic elections go off without a hitch, except for an unexplained 27,500 votes from residents of Palm Beach County, Fla.
Speaking of elections, in . . .
NOVEMBER
. . . the 2004 U.S. presidential election campaign, which has been going on since the early stages of the Cher Farewell Tour, finally staggers to the finish line. John Kerry easily sweeps to a 49-state landslide victory in the exit polls and has pretty much picked out his new Cabinet when word begins to leak out that the actual, physical voters have elected George W. Bush. Democrats struggle to understand how this could have happened, and, after undergoing a harsh and unsparing self-examination, conclude that red state residents are morons. Some Democrats threaten to move to Canada; Republicans, in a gracious gesture of reconciliation, offer to help them pack.
The post-election recriminations and name-calling continue for more than a week, until the public, realizing that there are still important issues that affect the entire nation, returns its attention to the Scott Peterson trial, which finally ends with the jury finding Peterson guilty of being just unbelievably irritating. The verdict means sudden unemployment for thousands of cable news legal analysts, who return to their caves to hang upside down by day and suck cows’ blood by night until they are called for the next big TV trial.
Meanwhile there are big changes in the Bush Cabinet, the most notable involving Secretary of State Colin Powell, who announces his resignation after returning from a trip to find all his office furniture replaced by Condoleezza Rice’s. Attorney General John Ashcroft also announces that he will leave the Cabinet to resume private life as a frozen haddock.
Dan Rather also resigns, on orders received via the secret radio in his teeth.
In other presidential news, thousands attend a festive dedication of the 70,000-square-foot William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Center in Little Rock, next door to the 90,000-square-foot William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Cafeteria.
As the nation enters the holiday season, the festive mood is dampened by the intrusion of grim reality, as 137 Americans die in vicious predawn aisle-to-aisle combat over deeply discounted post-Thanksgiving Christmas sale items. Congress vows to remain on recess.
Abroad, the big news is the presidential election in Ukraine, where the government, citing exit polls, declares that Viktor Yanukovych has defeated Viktor Yushchenko. Hundreds of thousands of outraged Ukrainians take to the streets, protesting the fact that they cannot remember which Viktor is which. Many threaten to move to Canada.
Meanwhile, the condition of Yasser Arafat, already worse than anybody believed possible, somehow worsens still more, until it becomes so bad that Arafat no longer responds to a medical procedure known technically as the Hatpin Test, at which point he is declared legally deceased. After a funeral service attended by a large and extremely enthusiastic crowd, he is buried in several locations.
In sports, a Pacers-Pistons NBA game in Detroit turns into a riot after Pacers star and rocket scientist Ron Artest, hit by a cup thrown by Fan A, retaliates by charging into the stands and attacking Fans B, C and D.
Explaining his actions later on the “Today” show, Artest says he thought he “saw weapons of mass destruction.”
Speaking of sportsmanship, in . . .
DECEMBER
. . . the pro baseball world is stunned by the unbelievably shocking and astounding and totally unexpected news that some players may have taken steroids. “Gosh,” exclaims baseball commissioner Bud “Bud” Selig, “this could explain why so many players suddenly develop 200 additional pounds of pure muscle and, in some cases, a tail.” Seeking to restore fan confidence in the sport, the players union and the team owners, in a rare display of cooperation, agree that it will be necessary to raise ticket prices.
In Washington, the Cabinet shuffle continues as John Hargrove resigns as secretary of interstate affairs upon being informed, after four years in Washington, that there is no such Cabinet position. “Under the circumstances,” states President Bush, “he did a heckuva job.”
On the military front, the president, in a move that sparks international outrage, announces that he is sending Ron Artest to Iraq.
Meanwhile, the dollar continues to decline abroad, largely because of what U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow describes as “French waiters.”
In other international news, Iran continues to heatedly deny that it is developing nuclear weapons but is unable to offer a plausible explanation as to why it purchased 200 pounds of enriched uranium on eBay. The United Nations, reacting to this crisis with unusual swiftness, resolves to do nothing.
In Ukraine, weeks of massive street protests finally lead to a ruling by the Ukrainian Supreme Court that there must be a new election between the two Viktors, only this time, “they have to wear name tags.” The protesters attempt to go back indoors, only to discover that their shoes are frozen to the streets.
Meanwhile, Yasser Arafat continues to worsen.
And he is not alone. As we look back on the events of 2004, we sometimes get the feeling that the whole world is worsening. It would be easy to become depressed about the future, and yet . . .
. . . we are not. As we approach the end of the year, we find ourselves feeling hope, optimism and a warm glow of happiness. Why? Because we’ve been hitting the eggnog. We recommend you do the same. But whatever you do: Have a happy new year.
Dave Barry’s farewell column will appear in the next issue of the Magazine.
57342 December 29, 2004
Man I'm tired.
I installed my dad's computer today. It took much longer than it should have.
He gave me his old one, so I have a new one. YAY
Hemingway is feeling much, much better!! YAY
It's 3:15 in the morning… ack.
I had a great Christmas.
How was everyone elses??
57667 December 29, 2004
Tonight was almost a record. We did 10 more dinners tonight than we did Thursday. Wow!!
I'm pooped. Stay home people. Learn how to cook, dammit.
At least I made a killing tonight, but damn I worked for it.
Phew December 24, 2004
We've been sickeningly busy at work… my feet hurt.
I burned the shit out of my finger last night using the hot glue gun… OUCH.
I'm sooo tired. I am so glad to have off the next few days!! YAY
Hemingway is sick… he's my baby. It makes me nervous when he gets sick. He's already doing better than he was last night, but it made me nervous when he wouldn't eat… go here to see why.
G'night
And the final grades are in… December 21, 2004
Typography – A
Digital Imaging – A
Speech – A
WOOHOO!!!!!!
My last speech – <i>My group ~ A tribute</i> December 20, 2004
More feel good shit. She actually said that about this one. She explained that when we left that room Monday night, we should all feel all warm and fuzzy. Get your warm fuzzies from your husband Courtney! I've seen her embarrass one too many of students in the middle of class for me to give a crap about this woman's happiness.
When I came back to school after almost ten years, the last thing on my mind was making friends, but that was exactly what happened.
I know you all remember the first day of this class. Well, at least I know I do. This boisterous instructor informed us that we already had to start thinking about which of our fellow classmates we wanted to be in our group. Group? What group. What was this group for. What would this group have to do? And how could I make such a decision without knowing any of these people? But we did, each of us made those choices, and before any of those questions had been answered, all of our groups had already been formed.
In case you don't recall, my group consisted of Sue, Sandie, Tracy and myself. We met faithfully at the library an hour before class started every week. I learned quickly that these were people I could count on. Every week, we each brought something we had found. Every one of us did our research and every one of us had something to add, to the project and the group. The first fifteen minutes of our meetings were spent talking about our lives and getting to know each other. I felt closer to these people with every week that passed and before I knew it, we were bonding and discussing things that were quite personal. This turned out to be one of the best groups I've had to work with. We were totally in synch and we each strived to make the experience better. We made a great team.
After the presentations had been given and we were no longer required to meet every Monday, I realized that I enjoyed our weekly gatherings and I found that I actually missed them. I believe I have made three friends, and I hope that Sue, Sandie and Tracy continue to be a part of my life even after this class is over.
Okay, so can I bullshit my ass off or what? I like the people from my group, but come one. Do you really think I wanted to spend 2 minutes talking about it. Or really even have that much to say about it??
My last paper… <i>personal growth</i> December 20, 2004
This is what I have come up with for my final paper – we had to write aprox. 500 words explaining what we got out of the class and how we've grown. This is the kind of shit I hate. It's the final, “here, pat me on the back, feed me a bunch of bullshit and tell me what a terrific fucking teacher I have been.” Eh, yeah – sorry about that. I'm not really all that fond of this lady.
Five months ago, I made the commitment to go back to school after almost ten years. I had been saying for over a year that I needed to go back and finish what I had started, but every time I got close, I was faced with another obstacle. I finally just did it. One day I said, “screw it,” and just enrolled. I didn’t know how I was going to pay for it, but I imagined I would figure it out when the time came and somehow I did. I’m still not sure how I managed it, but I am grateful that I did.
I registered for three classes, typography, digital imaging, and speech. I had forgotten how much work school involved, but I worked as hard as I could and I loved every minute of it. Over the past four months, the majority of my waking moments have been spent on the computer either creating something for one of my art classes or writing a paper or speech for this class.
I learned two things about myself in SPC110. I write better than I did ten years ago and I’m not as bad at giving speeches as I thought I was.
I’m an avid reader, but it had been quite a few years since I had to write anything and I was nervous about it. I was an adequate writer ten years ago, but I wasn’t sure what to expect after such a long time. I actually discovered that I had gotten better, not worse. Granted, I’m no journalist. I can’t whip something out in ten minutes and know that it will be good, or even legible for that matter. I agonize over every noun and verb, but I now write like a 30-something would as opposed to a 20-something and it makes a bigger difference than I realized.
I have been in and out of the restaurant business for 15 years. I have run the industry gambit, waiting tables, bartending, cocktailing and hostessing. I can stand in front of a large table of people and talk my ass off, but somehow standing in front of a classroom alters my reality of speaking just enough to make me feel frazzled. A couple of months ago, I learned that I am much more capable of public speaking than I ever gave myself credit for. I stood in front of class for the first time and spoke. I started out a little shaky, but as I continued, I felt myself stand straighter, speak louder, and I was able to look each person in the eyes. I felt my confidence rise with every syllable I uttered and I found a mental strength in myself that I did not realize existed.
The past year has been one of struggle, self-exploration and personal growth. This class was more a part of that than I had anticipated. Thank you for being a part of that Courtney.
Last speech class… December 20, 2004
I have two more papers to write for speech class. The last class is tonight. Bah. I'm having a hard time getting motivated to write these things…
